


Confessions

by gabrielnovakgoestomyschool



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Oblivious Dean, angst then fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-09 17:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1992252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabrielnovakgoestomyschool/pseuds/gabrielnovakgoestomyschool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean gets upset that Castiel ignored his praying, leading to Dean getting hurt. It leads to confrontation, and, then, possibly, confessions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> A friend and I wrote this in a few hours with absolutely zero planning or discussion, so please forgive us.

Dean lunged forward across the table and grabbed Cas by top of his backwards blue tie.

“Dean. Let. Go. I am an angel, I could kill you in an instant,” Castiel said, grabbing Dean by the wrist. 

“And I could kill you,” Dean was practically frothing at the mouth. “For whatever the hell it is you’ve done to me.” 

“Let go, please. I don’t wish to hurt you. We should discuss this when you are sitting down calmly,” Castiel repeated, more gently this time, prying Dean’s fingers off his tie. 

“You don’t want to hurt me?” his hand backs away an inch and lingers in the air. “It’s a bit too late for that, Castiel. Where were you when I needed you? What was so important to you that you had to tune out my prayers?”

“I was busy. I apologize. I had things that needed to be taken care of. I wish I could have done something, but I couldn’t. Please try and understand,” Castiel pleaded. 

“I don’t understand a thing about you anymore,” he returned his hands to the edge of the table nearest to him. “You saved me from burning in hell just to damn me all over again. You think you can just fly down here and heal me and then everything will okay between us? That’s not how this works, family means sacrifices; family means not standing by and letting each other…” his voice quieted,“...suffer…”

“I tried to help you, Dean! Do you think I couldn’t hear your prayers? I could! I just couldn’t answer them. I didn’t want to hear you in pain, I didn’t wish to hear you pleading and begging. That is never my intention. Never. I only wish to help. But you are not the only thing in my life. I have duties.”

“The thing is, Cas, I would damn myself for you. If it were my choice, I’d burn up to let you ascend again, that’s what you mean to me, that’s what we were supposed to be to each other. We’ve fought by each other’s sides all this time and I’ve forgiven your betrayals and learned to put my faith in you over and over… you aren’t the only thing in my life either, but damn everything if I wouldn’t break myself to fight for you again.”

“I’m sorry, Dean! And all of those things apply to you as well. But sometimes, I have to do other things, even if you and Sam are the most important things in my life. It doesn’t mean that I can only give my time to you. If I could, I would do so in a heart beat. But I can’t. Just, try and understand,” Castiel’s voice started out harsh, angry, but became softer, until it was almost begging. He sighed and stepped back, sitting down in his seat once again. “At least try,” he added. 

“‘And Sam’?”Dean said matching Castiels soft volume. He said it as if it were the only thing he’d heard. His pulse was rugged, mind still expecting the waves of physical agony that Cas had erased moments before, emotions that he tried to keep under lock raging through his veins like something that had been injected.

Castiel frowned, and nodded. 

“Yes, you and Sam. Was there something upsetting in that statement?” Castiel questioned, concerned. “I… I thought it was less insensitive to include both of you in equal measure in my statement.” 

“What is Sam to you?” Dean’s voice was flat, unreadable. He sat down slowly on the edge of the table, the bunker dim and empty around them. 

“Why does it matter?” Castiel asked, confused. “I suppose… well, I once considered us friends. I would hope that we still are. Perhaps associates, although I would like to believe that it is at least somewhat more than that. Why are you concerned about this?”

Dean stammered, unable to keep the safe, monotone voice that said he didn’t care, sarcasm falling away and leaving him defenseless. “And….” the words caught in his throat so deeply he thought he might never speak again. Wouldn’t that be easier? “What am I...to you…?”

Castiel paused before he answered. “My friend. One of the only ones I have had in a very long time. Although I question it at times, if you truly care for me, or if I am simply a golem to call and use for you.”

“That’s how you feel,” Dean said in way that may or may not have been a question. “Remember, I told you I needed you? Not just to save me Cas, you’re the best friend I ever had...you and Sam are my only family, you could be my own blood with the way I--” Dean paused,is what he’s saying…? “feel,” he finished.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Castiel muttered. “I was just unsure as to what level it was appropriate to tell you,” he said. “Of course you mean a lot to me. I didn’t mean to offend you,” he said. He stopped. “Do you need me for anything else? Or should I just go? I only seem to be causing trouble with my words.”

“Stay,” Dean said sharply. He couldn’t believe...Cas spoke of leaving as if he didn’t know how it was to him, to have Castiel appear with his comforting presence and then vanish and take all of that warmth away. “I need you to stay here, and not disappear on me, and to tell me… however it is you feel-- so that I can understand.” 

“Understand? Why? Human emotions are hard to understand. Sometimes it’s best not to even try,” Castiel cautioned, warning Dean off.  
“Just tell me,” Dean breathed, gripping the edge of the table closest to Cas, “why you hang around me when all I do is bring you more trouble. You fell because of me, you rebelled, because of me and after all of that all that I can manage is to depend on you even more, to want you… to be my friend, as if that isn’t just another burden.” 

Castiel shrugged. “I feel a very strong, intense emotional bond with you. Does that adequately answer your question?”

“Castiel…” Dean thought there must be something terribly wrong with him, that maybe Cas hadn’t healed him all the way and there was a swirl of injury induced delirium taking over. “Say it’s something else, say, if its true, that you’re my best friend, and we’re family...say something that means something.”

“You are my best friend. And I consider us close to family. And it means quite a lot to me. You have shown me a lot about learning and living, Dean. I appreciate you, and our bond, and I consider it a nearly unbreakable bond. And I am glad we have it,” he told Dean. “Are you… alright? You look upset.”

“We’re friends, Cas, of course,” he reiterated with a shake of his head. Of course, this was just another time where he’d seen something that wasn’t there. He closed his eyes. “Just really good friends, best friends,” He should have known that a mistake would fall out with how he let his words out so sloppily. “I mean, what else would we be?” 

“Are you suggesting something something more?” he asked. “I… I feel I am doing a poor job of expressing myself in the way I want. Perhaps… I have tried to say what you want me to say, but you just don’t understand,” Castiel reasoned. 

“Say the truth, Cas, I want the truth,” He sighed, resigned, and believing he already knew the truth and could easily accept it once he heard it out loud. “whatever it is.”

“I’ve been saying the truth. You and I have a bond. An extreme, connecting bond. That is the truth. We are close. It would be hard not to be, seeing as I rebuilt you and your soul. Our souls are together,” he said simply. 

Dean slid the rest of the way to the other side of the table and sat there with his feet dangling over the edge next to where Cas sat. Castiel looked… like an angel, of course, but Dean didn’t just see that, he saw the shadows that painted his perfect face, deeper, real, reachable-- but that was a cruel twist of imagination, delusion. Naivety and hope, that was false. He was so pitiful that he’d felt he had nothing to lose in trying. Nothing except Castiel, who he’d never really had in the first place. Castiel belonged to heaven, to God, and his brothers and sisters in the heavenly host. He was that unreachable. 

Castiel watched Dean for a long while, staring. Human emotions were so hard to comprehend at times. Dean seemed… upset. Was he not supposed to say that? Had he gone too far? He thought Dean wanted him to say it. But apparently not. 

“I apologize if I overshared. I thought you wanted me to tell you, that perhaps you felt in the same manner,” he muttered, looking down and breaking eye contact. 

“No, I,” Dean reach out and found his hand resting near the base of Cas’s neck, it was warm there. In the moment, he could feel a faint, but quick pulse, which surprised him. Did Castiel’s vessel still have a heartbeat, or was it Dean’s pulse that thrummed so resonantly? “I do feel that way, Cas, I have for a long time,” the words flew out quickly then, escaping. “I just didn’t think-- you know, that what you said about our souls being together, sounds like…” He inhaled, speaking this way was like running and he was so anxious of the possibility of falling. He tried to say in a non-commitmental way, “like we’re soulmates or something,” He had to add the strange, almost-laugh at the end so that it seemed almost silly. So it didn’t seem like a question with an answer that might destroy him.

“Do you believe that we are not?” Castiel asked with a frown. “I… Dean, we are… together. Whether it be because we were pushed, or forced, or bonded, or chose, we are… together. I… was under the impression that we were-” Castiel paused, trying to find words, “in love. Are we not?”

Dean thought, this must be a fever dream, or maybe he’d died again because he’d never once let himself think there was anyway he could be in love with Castiel. Castiel was...an angel, he was perfect and flawed all at once, beautiful for having been tortured, and he was… a man, at times known to be human, how would that ever work? Why would he possibly feel like this and have felt like this for what seemed like for ever? “Why didn’t you ever say anything? I never gave you any reason to feel like this, Castiel…” he shifted his hand higher on the back of Castiel’s neck and leaned, down and forwards.

“Was I wrong to feel like this? I’m sorry. I just thought that we were both aware of the fact,” he shrugged, still staring down at his legs. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it. I was wrong.”

“No; Cas, you’re right,” Dean decided that he was definitely either dead or dreaming. “ That’s how I feel, that’s how we feel about each other, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Castiel nodded, firm. The conversation had gone on for far too long. He had thought that they were both aware of their feelings, just too busy to put them to any sort of use. Apparently Dean hadn’t come to terms with that until now. 

But now it was Dean, who leaned in closer and gently lifted Castiel’s face, every piece of him torn between awe and disbelief. Castiel let his head be pulled up easily, putting up no protest. 

When his face was mere centimeters from Dean’s, he exhaled, “I….”

“Cas,” Dean whispered back firmly. “Don’t. Talk.” Castiel started to protest the command, but stopped, staring at Dean, wondering what the request was for. He waited, breath slow and light, heart beat the opposite. And then Dean pressed his mouth against his, gently moving his slightly chapped lips across Castiel’s. Castiel wondered if this was what he’d wanted this whole time, even when he’d grabbed at his shirt in what he’d thought was an angry manner. Through all the centuries, humans never got less complex, or any less interesting. 

“I understand that I’m breaking your command,” he managed to breath out, breaking the kiss, “but- this is what you want, correct?” Castiel asked. 

“I said shut up,” Dean muttered with a short snort. “Yeah, Cas, it is. Now let’s get back to the not talking thing,” he reminded Castiel. 

“I think I can manage that,” Castiel affirmed. Then he pressed back.


End file.
